Leah lost her will to live.

Her last plummet into darkness was just more than she could bear. She lost her will to live. There was no more strength to fight with. She spent a lifetime screaming and begging for someone to understand that is was getting harder and harder to climb out of that damn black hole. It kept sucking her back in.

She tried so hard to be wanted. She knew she was needed. Everyone wanted her to meet their needs at the drop of a hat. Who cared that her illnesses were ravaging her body a little more each day that went by. With heat searing down her legs, toes curled and locked into never ending cramps and tears pouring out of vacant eyes, they demanded their needs be met – now. She told them over and over that she was rapidly losing her will to live. She lost count of the serious suicide attempts. They didn’t even remember how fragile she was becoming. No one heard her crying out. More likely, they just couldn’t be bothered to care.

Every friendship ended because during her times in the black hole, she had nothing to give beyond the demands “they” made. She tried to find the strength to reach out but the words were lost.

There had been too many losses during the last six years. On bended knee, she pleaded for someone to just hold her.

When she decided to stop fighting, the black hole became a place of comfort rather than fear. It enveloped her providing her with the love and warmth no one else seemed to have for her. She stopped fighting the hole whenever it would call out for her. She welcomed the darkness and the peace that the hole provided. She didn’t think about those people. If they could not be bothered to hear her screams then why should she care anymore – about anything.

She spent eight days on life support last August. She fought their efforts to keep her alive. They tried every day to wean her off the vent. She almost won the battle. She begged the black hole to not let go of her. She longed for the day in which her body and soul would be free of pain. She longed for it and dreampt of it often. Every day they would turn the vent off in hopes she would breathe on her own. If only they had known how hard she was fighting their efforts. How could they know of her desire to be set free? No one else listened to her cries. Why would strangers listen? She wanted them to give up on her. Let her go. Let her find the joy she yearned for. She didn’t even care what happened to people after they took their last breath. On the eighth day, they defeated her. Her body betrayed her once again. When no one was looking, she sobbed uncontrollably. She thought about her suicide attempt in 1996 when she took enough pills to kill a horse. Her boyfriend and roommate read her suicide note and saw the empty medicine bottles. They left her on the couch and went on about their busy lives for three days. She was near death and barely breathing. They did not even call for an ambulance. There was no effort to save her life. After eighty plus hours of being on the brink of death, her body betrayed her by forcing her lungs to breathe, her heart to beat strong and her eyes to open. Her boyfriend welcomed her back and changed the channel. Their decision to not help her just reinforced the fact she was worthless.

She thought back to her second serious suicide attempt when she was eighteen. Her father was enraged because he had to get out of bed to retrieve her from the hospital. He asked her how she could be so selfish. Didn’t she know he had to go to work the next day and he was forced to get out of bed in the middle of the night just to pick her up. He never asked how many stitches it took to stop the blood from gushing out of both wrists. His only concern was his interrupted sleep and what an inconvenience she was. This, from her father. He was supposed to love her. Wasn’t he?

With every failed attempt her family found a way to reinforce the belief that she was worthless. With each failed attempt, she came to hate God more and more for not letting her die. Didn’t He know how worthless she was. Didn’t He care about the excruciating pain in her soul. If he really were a loving God, wouldn’t he let body leave the hell which consumed her every waking moment. If God didn’t care about the agony she was in, how could we call him a loving God? Maybe it was just her that He didn’t love.

One loss after another with no one to hold and comfort her, the spirit which dwelled inside her started dying. At the age of 53, she decided enough was enough. She packed her suitcase, walked out the door and never looked. 

I will never look back. I am finished being a doormat and servant. I will no longer allow you to abuse me. I will no longer give someone a piece of my heart if their only concern is themselves. I will no longer allow you to push me towards the black hole. I will no longer allow you to destroy new (or old) friendships because you pushed me into the hole. You know I stop communicating with the world when I am locked away deep inside the hole.

I am sure I have lost the two newest people in my life. I found them on WordPress. I made a commitment to one of them who is trapped in a black hole. He needed me but not in the way the others do. He made me feel wanted and cared for. Get your mind out of the gutter. It is not a romantic or sexual love between us. We had become brother and sister. I let him down. I stopped being there for him and I would rather die than cause him pain. I know I have hurt him deeply and I don’t know if he will be able to forgive me. He had become the joy in my life. He made me smile. With hundreds of miles between us, he gave me the hugs that no one else would. He doesn’t even know of the pain and hopelessness I have been living for so damn long. He lives with enough of that himself. I don’t want to burden him with my crap.

I know I have hurt the person who introduced me to the person Who stretched his arms hundreds of miles to hug me. I came to love her deeply. If she chooses to read this, she will know I am speaking of her. She has changed my life in a way she will never grasp. She is THE one who gave me the courage to start changing my situation. She doesn’t have a magic wand therefore the change would not happen over night. I had to go back to the black hole one more time in order to examine my life and decide who could stay and who had to go. I separated from my husband. I have been searching the corners of the world for six years looking for the courage to leave him. SHE helped me understand that courage came from within. Look no more. It has been inside of me all along. She helped me understand that I am not obligated to help or care for anyone who just wants to take from me and give nothing in return to my spirit. I have already reclaimed my power from the ones in this house, not just my husband. If they do not wish to uplift my spirit and encourage me to chase my dream which was buried and forgotten so long ago, then I will gladly help them find somewhere else to dwell. I will never lose a friend again because I allow you to push me into the black hole. You no longer have power over me. I will NEVER give my power away again. I will NEVER allow anyone to make me feel worthless again. If I am not worth your time then you are not worthy of my love.

I may never attain my dream of being an author but if I can make my followers feel something, then I am successful. If my words help just one person find their courage and power so that they may make the changes they dream of, then I am a success. If my words are powerful enough to touch you deep in your soul, then I am a success.

I did not write this in order for anyone to pity me or feel sorry for me. I need support and encouragement. Pity will not help me. I wrote my story so that anyone suffering this kind of pain can see that it is NEVER to late to reclaim your life, as long as you are still breathing, anyway. I may never understand why I did not die all those times in which I hovered so close to death’s door. I only know that for the first time in my life, I’m grateful that I didn’t die. I started cutting at the age of 10. That was 43 years ago and it wasn’t popular then. That was when I started crying out for help. No one listened. (I stopped cutting many years ago)

Sonni,

You heard my cries and you helped me. I will never be able to find the words to adequately describe the gratitude I have for you. You set me on the road to reclaiming my light. I hope it is not to late. I can’t stand the thought of losing you and the light of your spirit which shines so bright. Please forgive me.

Jamie,

You will never begin to understand the depth of the pain in my soul for letting you down. I never wanted to burden you with the crosses I bear. You carry enough of your own without me adding to them. You may never understand just how deeply you have touched my soul. You made me smile every day. You gave me a reason to get out of bed. I knew I would write you therefore I had no choice but to get out of bed. My tears flow freely down my cheeks at the thought of You not forgiving me. Each tear begs for forgiveness as it falls to the floor.

As of June 9th, 2016, I do solemnly swear to never again be a victim, nor will I give my power away.

Hugs,

Leah

32 thoughts on “Leah lost her will to live.

    1. Celena,

      Thank you so much taking the time to read my post AND send me love! I truly believe my descent into the darkness this time started when I became disabled. I started to feel “less than”. I began to feel like a burden to those around me. No one actually took my power away from me. I willingly gave it away. It took six long years and the love of folks in this community for me to search deep within and find that power. You guys are amazing! I am filled with gratitude for your words of love, acceptence and encouragement. If my story helps someone else find their lost power then baring my soul for all to see is well worth it.

      Thank you, Celena for caring. You rock!

      Like

    1. Thank you very much. I am holding on for dear life! I have given my power away too many times. No more.

      Reclaiming my power doesn’t mean I don’t love my family. It just means I am no longer willing to give more than I get. I’m not keeping score. I just choose not to be the doormat or the only one doing the giving.

      Thank you for your support. It means the world to me!

      Hugs,

      Leah

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much, Don. Thank you for coming along for a ride in my crazy life! Now that I have shaken the black hole off of my body, I think I will be around a lot more. I’m glad you are with me.

      Hugs,

      Leah

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Victoria.

      The main reason for baring my soul to the world is in hopes that it may find its way into the world of someone feeling as if all hope is gone. If my journey call help even one person realize that it’s never too late as long as you are breathing. It may not be an easy road to follow but there is hope.

      It means the world to me that you took the time to read it and to share words of encouragement.

      The people I meet here are so amazing! The words of encouragement touch my soul deeply. Every person who has commented on one of my posts has had an impact on my life. Thank you for being one of them!

      Hugs,

      Leah

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Sorry about that. Clumsy fingers.

          To me, the ultimate gift in life is the opportunity to help someone in whatever way they need help. Any time my experience can bring something positive to someone else’s life, then it gives meaning to the pain I felt. It has a way of lessening the sting.

          Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am taping all the wonderful words of encouragement I have received from you guys around my heart like bandaids. That way no one can bring me down again. I know the road will be bumpy but just knowing I can read all these awesome words any time will help me get over the bumps.

          Thank you. Sweet dreams. Hugs,

          Leah

          Liked by 1 person

  1. Leah, your story is heart wrenching and should make all of us lovingly aware of our brothers and sisters hovering over that black hole. You are a beautiful person, your writing is awesome and I’m glad you are no longer a victim.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for saying such kind and loving words! It is not easy to go from a place of loathing yourself to a place of feeling good about yourself but you guys aren’t giving me a choice! Lol.

      The best way I can describe what this part of my journey feels like, would be something like this – I am in the biggest race of my life. I am close to the finish line but my legs are giving out. I try telling myself I can do this but my legs won’t listen. Suddenly, I see a plethora of my friends on the sidelines cheering me on while pouring energy into my body. Their chants of love and support infuse my body with the strength to make it to my goal. As I cross the finish line, I can hear my brain still saying, “I can do it, I can do it”. This is exactly how you guys are making me feel and I can’t thank you enough.

      You are absolutely right about us listening to our brothers and sisters and being more aware of how they are feeling. People die in this country every day because somewhere along the way, we stopped listening with our hearts. When we great each other and ask how the other person is doing, we really don’t expect to hear anything other than, “I’m fine”. I think folks should stop asking that question if they don’t want to hear the truth and folks should stop answering that question unless willing to tell the truth. We have become so preoccupied with such superficial lives that we can no longer hear the screams coming from the hopeless. It really doesn’t take much to hear the cries. All we have to do is stop caring about the things that don’t matter and start caring about the things that do matter. Who cares how much you house or car cost? Sadly, most of your neighbors do care because they want to “1-up” you.

      True story. About 30 years ago, I went to an AA meeting that I had never been to. I only knew the person I went with. There were about 35 people in attendance. The chairs were arranged in a circle. The was a pretty young woman in her early to mid twenties sitting across from me. She smiled, laughed and spoke to everyone who entered. Everyone got quiet and the meeting started promptly at 8. I spent the next hour listening to the screams coming from the soul of this young woman. Her screams were so loud and overpowering that I literally couldn’t hear a word that anyone else spoke. And yet, this young woman sat and smiled that whole hour. As soon as the meeting was over, I ran to her and pulled her aside. I said please don’t kill yourself tonight. Please don’t do it. Her mouth dropped to floor and tears sprang to her eyes. She asked how I knew. I asked how could I not know. She and I spent most of the night at the Waffle house or Huddle house talking about what was going on with her. She had already written her suicide note and had it with her. She had decided if no one heard her cries by the end of the meeting, she was going to leave there and end it. It was the only time I ever went to that particular meeting. Being empathic, it wasn’t hard to hear her screams. We don’t all have to be empathic in order to see or hear that someone is in enough pain to end their lives. We just need to let people know that if we ask how they are, we want an honest answer and in return we will take the time to listen and care.

      Of given the choice, which of the following two options would you rather have on your tombstone? Millionaire or lover of my fellow humans? I choose the latter. Perhaps if enough people changed how they dealt with the whole “how are you” thing, we might be able to make the world a better place and save a lot of lives while doing it!

      I’m sorry. You probably didn’t bargain for all of that. I am nothing, if not long winded!

      Hugs,

      Leah

      Like

      1. Long winded is nice. I get that way sometimes. One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. It tells me what love is and then it tells me what love is not. That billionaire is taking none of his riches to the other side. He will go just as poor as you and I. So, if we have had love in our hearts, we are far richer than him.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi, I read some of your posts as I was notified you are following my blog. Thank you. I hope my blog brightens your day a little. You are going through so much. Pain is a lot to deal with. Bipolar is a lot to deal with. I can see you care a lot about others. That is awesome. But please remember to take care of yourself as well.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Leah,
    I have a granddaughter in her early teens already cutting. She is in and out of school and the hospital. She has parents who care and are working hard to help, but nothing seems to work. Do you have any suggestions?
    Chuck

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, God! Wait for me. Maybe I could get a hotel room near you on election night and if he wins we could “book it” across the border. At least that way we wouldn’t have to be alone! Lol. You will definately be in my thoughts on election night!

      Hugs,

      Leah

      Like

    1. Me? Amazing? That is such a hard concept for me because it is women like YOU that give me the courage to hit “publish”. I go through the same angst that you do when it comes time to hit that silly button. I haven’t had time to tell you this, but you have become one of my role models. I want to have the courage to always be blunt and say what I mean. I can not wait to plunge further into your writing and get to know you better. Today, I choose to surround myself with people who are passionate about what they do and who don’t mind supporting others who are trying to grow in life. I want people in my life that can be brutally honest with me BECAUSE they care about me and want what’s best for me. I also want people who have the courage to say when something sparks fear in them, something like hitting that silly little button. I want to be blanketed with people who are willing to look fear in the face, accept the challenge and then fight to win.

      YOU are amazing and YOU are one of the folks that I hope will be willing to be a part of my crazy journey! Thank you for saying such kind things about me. I have no doubt you are very busy and I would never have expectations regarding how often you visit or comment, but it would be an honor if you would be willing to hang out on this ride and be one of those role models for me, pretty please.

      Thank you so very much for being here.

      Hugs,

      Leah

      Like

    1. JoAnna,

      Thank you so much for saying that! It feels odd to have longed for death for so many, many years just to find myself suddenly afraid I will die before I have time to do the things I want to do. The one thing that would give my life the most meaning, is for my pain and my story to give someone else the hope they need in order to kick the black hole to the curb. That is the one thing that would make every bit of my pain worth it. If I had to choose between becoming the greatest author in history or helping someone find their courage and hope, then there would be only one choice for me. I would rather take my last breath knowing my life struggles had helped people. Being rich or being talked about at cocktail parties could never compare to the joy of helping a fellow human out of darkness!

      I can not begin to tell you how deeply you guys have touched me and given me the courage to close off that black hole forever. I have cemented that bad boy in! Never again will it call out to me. Never again will it have power over me.

      Thank you so much for reading my story and taking the time to share your words of encouragement.

      Hugs,

      Leah

      Like

  4. Chuck,
    Please forgive me. I wrote a long response to you within an hour of your comment and it is nowhere to be found. I have a hacker who has now managed to invade 8 computers in 8 years. I hit the send button and watched the comment go out and then it showed that I replied. I am so sorry. Heaven help this idiot stalker if I ever get my hands on him!
    I explained in the (ghost) reply that I would be more than happy to speak with you about your little angel. The only request I have is that we connect privately in order to ensure she remain anonymous. You are more than welcome to have your wife and her parents in the conversation. I didn’t mean it could only be you and I. You just never know who could find their way into my blog and possibly know your family. Do you feel comfortable loving to a private place and if so, what service would you like to use? I will use whatever app or messenger service you use. I have been waiting and waiting for you to respond. Know I understand.

    Hugs,

    Leah

    Like

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