To be (married) or not to be (married)

I really hope I stopped this thing from showing up on Facebook. If not, my husband’s relatives may just let him in on my secret before I am ready to share it with him.

I love my husband. I just don’t think I can be married to him any more. I have talked to him countless times about the problems we have in our marriage but nothing EVER changes. I am just so tired of things not changing.

My 71 year old mom has permanent legal guardianship of my nephew and they live with us. She receives no support of any kind. She is on social security and I am disabled. She and I do not bring in enough money to support the three of us.

The biggest problem I have in my marriage is financial. My husband is a truck driver. He is an extremely social person. Nothing wrong with that except he has to stop at truck stops every hour or so and will hang out for a good little while just chatting with folks. It causes him to get less loads than all the other drivers so his check along with mine and mom’s are not quite enough to pay the bills. Every time I get close to being caught up he gets “sick” and has to take a few days off. I want to pull my hair out. He does this EVERY December. He has now been out for ten days. Tomorrow’s check might be $150.00 and there will be no check for the next two. I spend every December scrambling to find the money so I can get gifts for my nephew. He is a great kid. Never gets in trouble. Makes A-B honor roll every report card. He has good manners. We NEVER have the money to buy him things other than birthday and Christmas. His birthday is on November 22nd. So unfair.

That is just the tip of the iceberg. I am probably an asshole for sharing this with the world but I really need some suggestions. My pain makes it impossible for me to work unless there is some legit work from home job out there. My doctor visits and meds cost a fortune. I feel so damn stuck. I would rather die than loose him because I don’t have the money to feed him.

I was a workaholic before becoming disabled. I need to find a way to work.

Oh. The biggest problem is that he makes my nephew feel like he can’t do anything right. He raises hell at him for things like forgetting to take the trash out. Come on. He is 13. I have to do right by my nephew. He deserves better.
I am sorry for dumping this on you guys. Please help me with some ideas.

Thank you.
Hugs,
Leah

27 thoughts on “To be (married) or not to be (married)

  1. I am really sorry you are going through this. I don’t have the right know-how to be the person to give advice on this, but I really hope you get what you are looking for. Just did not want to read and move on without saying/writing something.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Leah, sometimes life tosses us very hard knocks and watches to see what we can do about it and most times, the best way forward is to brace up and face it head on. First and foremost, no one else would really be able to give you the precise advise that you need to handle your situation but if I were in this position, I would sit down and weigh the pros and cons. How much do I love my husband? How much do his positive sides outweigh the negative ones on a balanced scale? Talk to him objectively with your assessments and as much as possible not in anger. Let him see things as you see them if possible before taking a drastic decision. Divorce or leaving him may not necessarily be the answer. The answer could also lie in you adjusting yourself mentally to some things. Good luck

    Liked by 7 people

  3. πŸ˜” I’m sorry you are going through this. Sadly, so am I, but possibly for ever so slightly different reasons. It’s a tough situation to be in!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. You will be surprised at what you can do, just given the chance. Some men rely on a woman’s DEPENDENCE, and from reading your posts, I suspect your hubby is one of them. Mine did. Do whatever you can to find your way, and soon, before your wonderful nephew pays the price. Sorry, hun. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Usually these things are a swirl; one thing tied to another and it goes around in a circle. The thing is to break the cycle.
    Appreciate your hubby more and break his dependence on stranger’s attention. This will give him more work and everything will be taken care of.
    Remember, the more you nag, the more time he will spend chatting up some happy time with strangers. So create the happy right where he needs it most. Let this be a merry season for all.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through problems like these on top of your medical ones. I’m sorry I’m not able to offer advice on what to do as that decision has to be yours. What I would say is you’re right, you have to do right by your nephew. You’ve taken him into your home and he’s still at an age where he needs protection from some things. One of those is your husband’s bullying, and that’s what it sounds like. So if you place your nephew at the forefront of your mind, making any decision may be far easier.
    I hope whatever you do makes the situation easier Leah.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your support, David. You are so sweet. Somewhere along the line i misplaced my backbone. Thanks to this amazing place filled with awesome people i have managed to locate my spine. The box it was hiding in must have shifted several times over the years because it looks like a jigsaw puzzle now. I am close to having it put back in proper order and then i think i can slide it back in place! I hope you will remind me over the years not to take the damn thing out again!
      I do know what i have to do. I started working on some things today. I need to put some things in place before i can make my move. I am making progress and that feels good.
      Thank you for the hugs and the support. Huge hugs right back at ya

      Liked by 4 people

  7. I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but i do know you don’t need to apologize for airing your frustrations! Let it all out so it doesn’t eat away at you. Best of luck X

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Thank you so much for the wonderful words of encouragement! Hubby just left to go back to work today so i am free to write! Yea!
    I think my husband lets us get almost caught up on bills and then he finds a way to screw it up to ensure my dependence. I have been terrified that i would lose my nephew if i put the hubby out since i can’t work.

    I started making a list and checking it twice today. It’s a list of agencies and organizations that may be able to help. I spoke with my sister’s counselor today and asked her to discuss termination of parental rights one more time. It would save me money if she did it voluntarily and it would shave a little time off the adoption process. I have a good chance of finding an attorney that would do the adoption pro bono. All i would have is court costs.

    Please don’t take this the wrong way. Once adoption is complete i can draw a dependent check every month for him. That would make it a little easier to get by until i have a regular income. I have ZERO desire to live on disability any longer than i have to. Josh deserves a better life than that. I’m pretty sure i qualify for vocational rehab. I should be able to find a new career that hopefully wouldn’t be too hard on my back.

    My husband was a very different person before we added kids to the mix. We have been together almost eleven years. He has NEVER yelled at me, called me a name, hit me or threaten to hit me, tried to control me or been ugly in any way. My husband’s father always told him he was a loser and would never amount to anything. He did not smoke cigs, drink alcohol or smoke pot until he went into the army at 19! He didn’t even loose his virginity until 19. He has never had a DUI or been to jail for any reason. His dad scripted him to fail because he hated school and slept through a lot of it. He still managed to graduate on time. He started working at the tender age of nine – for a paycheck. By age 13 he was driving a tow truck from Friday afternoon until late Sunday night. Every weekend. He doesn’t hesitate to give money, food, a coat or a blanket to a homeless person on the street. He doesn’t hesitate to cook, clean or do laundry when i am in pain.

    Those are just a couple of the things that have made this decision so difficult. He is not all bad. I wish i could find a way to help him see how his words and actions hurt josh but no matter how i word things he can’t get there. Before i get 3 words out he has already put his wall up and my face becomes his dad’s face. My voice becomes his dad’s. No matter what words i use, he only hears a voice telling him that he is a failure and will never amount to anything. I don’t accuse. I try to make it a positive thing. I tell him about a new parenting tool that i would love for us to try. Too late. He has already shut down. I wish i could choke his dad.

    This is breaking my heart and I know it will crush my husband but i have no choice. Josh is the innocent one in this mess. He is the one with no rights and no say in the matter. I have to do what is best for him. I am already furious with myself for taking so long to “man up” and grow a spine. I want him to be happy and grow up to be proud of the amazing young man that he is.

    Sam was home “sick” for 12 days. 12 days that i couldn’t be here. He knows he is losing me. He knows i am finding strength and gaining courage in this wonderful new home i have found here with some super awesome folks! He is afraid. I am afraid. I will be okay. I am worried about him. He was engaged a couple of years before we got together. His fiance died in his arms. From what i have been told by friends and family, he almost didn’t make it through the pain. I am afraid for him. I am more afraid for Josh. I will wait until Christmas has come and gone before I make my move.

    Thank you all for your support, kindness and encouragement. Perhaps you will think I am crazy or stupid for this request, but here goes. It would really mean a lot to me if any prayer warriors reading this would add my husband to their list. His damage runs deep.

    Thank you for taking the time to walk with me on my journey. Please have patience with me on the days my husband is home. He is having a hard time sharing me.

    Sending many gentle hugs in your direction.
    Leah

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Hi, I found your blog.

    Anyway, how are you? I don’t have an advice, but since I talk about relationships on my blog, I should have ideas.

    I have a suggestion, maybe you can talk to your husband again, and give him a deadline and a last chance. Yes, I did read that you’ve talked to your husband a few times, but nothing happened. I can only speculate that nothing happened, maybe because he’s complacent when it comes to you and he believes you love him so much, that you can’t leave him.

    In every relationship, there should be boundaries and limitations, if someone crosses it, they should face the consequence.

    That deadline or last chance should be a wake-up call for him to change his ways, but if he doesn’t, it’s up to you if you’re going to stay there or not.

    As a Catholic, I shouldn’t be supporting divorce, but I’m open-minded and I know that others don’t practice my religion and I know sometimes, divorce is valid especially to serious cases like abuse and even yours.

    Now, my other suggestion is if you don’t want to leave him, maybe you can push him to change, if he fights it back, then that’s also up to you if you’ll stay or go.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Christopher.
      Thank you very much. Some things have gotten better and some things not. Sadly, my husband’s father spent 18+ years of his life telling him that he would never amount to anything. He was not a kid that got in trouble. He hated school so his grades weren’t so great most of the time. That’s really the only thing. When he entered the army at age 19 he had never smoked a cigarette or a marijuana. He had never had alcohol and he lost his virginity just a coupl of week before shipping off. He didn’t get into any kind of legal trouble. I don’t understand his dad. Jerk.
      When i try to approach him with anything that i feel like “we” could do a better job on, he immediately sees his father when he looks at me. No matter how gentle and careful i am with words and tone of voice when i talk to him, he just sees and hears his father. It makes communication very difficult.
      Please understand, i have many faults as well. I’m not trying to say I’m perfect or better than he is. I am just more willing to look at my flaws and work on them.
      Thank you so much for checking in on me. I hope to get internet soon as it will make it much easier for me to blog. Typing on this phone makes my carpal tunnel hurt a lot worse.
      Hugs,
      Leah

      Like

  10. I am really sorry but I am guessing it can’t get any worse so hang in there! There are a lot of legit typing home based work. Maybe you can check on that. Your angel of a nephew probably does understand whats happening. Sometimes kids are forced to grow up faster than their age. The best you can do is talk to him, involve him in how you feel, how you want to do more for him and how proud you are of him. Encourage him and let him feel loved. That is the best gift you can give him. As far as leaving your husband is concerned, nothing good may come out of it. He may give lousy support but is support nevertheless. He may seem selfish and irresponsible but I guess that’s his way of dealing with whats happening. This is just my opinion, but you know best. Take a few mins off in a day to meditate. It really helps the body heal and bring clarity into life.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. I pray to God to help you out in these trying times.. I agree with mscassiopeia. It is easy to break and very tough to make a relationship work. Yours is not that bad.. In about four years, your nephew will probably be in college… Till then try to make your hubby treat him properly. Marriage is all about you and him, if he treats you well…do not rush into things. This is what I feel but you know better since you are growing through this… May God guide you towards peace and happinessπŸ˜„

    Liked by 4 people

  12. Hi, I want to thank you for reading and following my blog. This is the first time I have looked at yours and I feel so badly for you and your situation. I assume that you have some kind of health insurance, I hope so. Even if not, you can get help with a counselor or therapist through some public agency. You alluded to this on 12/8/15, but no one else had commented on it and perhaps it’s too late. If you still want to save your marriage, maybe suggest to Sam that you go to couples therapy, with a counselor who specializes in marital problems.Your husband needs to work out his issues regarding his relationship with his father. He treats Josh the way he does because he doesn’t know any other way of relating to him. He’s just imitating the only role model he had, even though he didn’t like what his father did to him. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help him change his thought patterns, if you can get a counselor who specializes in this method.

    Anyway, I wish you all the best in dealing with your problems. Please stay in touch!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I can only go by what I have read and do not know the full extent of things so please read this with an open mind. It seems it may help to put yourself in your husbands shoes. I know sometimes anger and betrayal sets in before we think to do so. He may feel a ton of pressure feeling like the main support system. He is the man of the house and has been constantly told by two woman how great the child is and how he as the husband is not doing enough. I Do not think he is doing anything purposely , he is possibly depressed and his only source of happiness is chatting with others that he can relate to on the road before he goes home again to be told he is not doing enough. I also do not think you or your mother are purposely badgering him. You two are also stressed.

    My father was a truck driver back in the 80s I till this day have cassette tapes he made for my mom while on the road. He would talk a little then play a love song or funny song whatever it was that he felt. Music is a great way to express how we feel when we can not say it ourselves. I suggest if you are able to use modern tech , reverse this and send him daily , messages of encouragement uhuum any way you choose lol , it helps build moral , shows him your support and maybe he may be feeling like he can stay on the road more. Hope it helps , important thing is stay true to him he needs you to be the wife let him be that great man and you will see him again ! 😍

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Hi Leah,
    I am sorry you are feeling frustrated with your current situation. Perhaps talking to your nephew and spouse together can iron out some of the friction between them. Communication is the key, but after repeating the same thing…about the same issues and nothing changes, a different approach is necessary. Best of luck.πŸ’š

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you very much! I have actually changed the way i handle a lot of things and it seems to be getting better. Hubby has a new job making substantially more money and he is much less stressed out. He is chilling out. Hopefully things will stay on track.
      The only person I can change is me. I am using a different approach with Josh and he has changed his attitude which in turn has changed my husband’s attitude. Thank you for the love!
      Hugs,
      Leah

      Liked by 2 people

  15. There are a ton of work from home jobs out there. Legit ones. Just do a thorough check of the internet and you might find ones that pay good. Or keep up with the writing, there are content writing jobs online that may be of help to you.
    πŸ™‚

    Liked by 4 people

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