Blown Away!

I am blown away by the love and encouragement I have received here. You guys are amazing! I was so afraid to put my thoughts and feelings on this blank canvas and share them with strangers. I fought with myself, feeling no one would care about what I had to say. This internal struggle has gone on for two years.

My husband is a truck driver. He isn’t home very much. When he got home yesterday he made it very clear that I was to spend time with him, watching TV of all things! That is all he ever wants to do. I hate TV. How is that spending time together? I am able to post this because he has run down to the corner store. There is a desperation inside of me to write and to read all of your posts. I have been locked away in this situation for ten years. The noose is getting tighter by the day. I can’t breathe anymore. I have to find a way out. The support I have found here over the last two weeks has breathed new life and fire into me.

I am so sorry I have not been able to respond to all of you amazing people. He will leave out again tomorrow night. I will be back the minute he leaves. I long to be a part of a world outside of this prison. I can not thank you all enough for the love I have received here. Mere words are not enough. Please know that my gratitude runs deep. My soul is on fire, in a good way! I hear the truck. I will be back tomorrow night.

Thank you from the depths of my soul!

Leah

Crying can feel like dying – one drop at a time.

5 thoughts on “Blown Away!

  1. Well as you know I am new to your blog but I have been blogging at different blogs for over 12 years. And yes, the support you get blogging is unlike any support anywhere. If you tell this to non-bloggers, which I no longer do, you either get a blank stare or get scoffed at. Blogging has been there for me through the best times of my life and my worst. I am a classic Introvert, many bloggers are, and cherish my blogging community. Nobody I know personally knows about my blog and I intend to keep it that way. It would be like letting my friends, family and coworkers read my diary. My husband knows that I blog but he doesn’t read it and it he did I would change the address. Some things are just meant for me.

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    1. Thank you for your support! I have gotten more support in the two weeks I have been here than I have gotten from my husband in a very long time. Total strangers feel like family in such a short time. I didn’t care about anything any more. I didn’t even care if I died. Some days I prayed for death. Over the years I lost me and my courage to speak up for myself. I can not find words that even begin to express the gratitude I feel. I can’t wait to explore your blog everyone else’s that have joined me on this journey. Thank you again!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I battle depression and severe anxiety and I can relate to feeling like life is not worth living. It can especially feel that way when you are in an abusive situation and can barely get out of bed in the morning, nevermind trying to work your way out of an abusive relationship.
        Do you have a Haven women’s shelter or support in your area? That might be a good place for you to start. Not to stay but they have a huge wealth of resources including counseling, all free. They can provide you with information and support groups. People think that they just help women who are being battered by their husbands but they help all women in any unsafe situations.
        Keep blogging. This is your place to feel safe and talk things through.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank for sharing that thoughts and feelings with me. I hate that you are going through icky stuff too and your reply helps me not feel alone. The only reason I have not left yet is because I am disabled and there is no way mom and I could pay the bills and put food on the table with the money we get. If I were physically well enough to work, I would work however many jobs I had to in order to support this family. What makes it more difficult is the fact that mom has custody of my thirteen year old nephew. I don’t want him to go without the things he needs and some of the things he wants. I am looking into my options because I can’t live like this anymore and Josh deserves better. See, my husband is ugly to everyone in this house. If we don’t like what he says or wants he just tells us to get over it. That is just the tip of the iceberg.
          Thanks to the support I have received here in a very short time, I had the courage to tell him tonight that he had six weeks to stop being ugly to all of us and actually start being nice or he could. I will do whatever I have to do to take care of my mom and Josh.
          Thank you so much for your support and for helping me not feel so alone. You are awesome!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. If your husband makes you feel like that all the time you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Relationships are about respect, without respect it’s not much of a relationship. You absolutely did right telling him to get with it or get out. Stay strong because you will need to be strong if he doesn’t change. Letting people go is one of the hardest things to do. If it comes down to you making him leave, you may be poorer, your life may change considerably; but I promise you that you are worth it, it will be relief of what sounds like an enormous burden. Kicking my children’s father out was the hardest choice I ever made, and the best choice. So many reasons kept me from doing it, including my children themselves, and financial reasons. Eventually I realized we would be so much better off without the pain he caused us. But financially we would have nothing, except our trailer, which I had bought with my own money. I didn’t know how I’d pay for utilities, insurance, lot rent, food and other things alone on my salary. I just knew it would be better than the situation I was in. I took a giant leap of faith and went it alone, only to find that when one door closes another is opened. I couldn’t depend on my family or his for help, but the funny thing about help is it comes when you least expect it, and from unexpected places. My neighbor had just gone through his own messy breakup and we began to bond over our common experiences. It turned into the best relationship I have ever had, we both knew and had similar ideals of what we wanted and did not want in a relationship, we had respect and understanding. 8 years later we are still together, and I am in a place I never could have imagined before, and I would not be here if I hadn’t made the difficult choice of putting myself and my children above a man who couldn’t even care about himself, let alone his family. I thought we would never have anything more than what we did, that I would grow old and die in my trailer. Life likes to get the last laugh, and I’m sure glad it does. Life is not done with you yet Leah. Chose yourself and see where it leads you.

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