I can stay ONLY if:

If my heart yearns for you with each of its chambers,  

If my body will be satiated by your caress alone, 

If my lust will answer only to the song our bodies sing as they meld, 

If my heart feels a searing heat in your presence, 

If darkness fades from my weary soul at the mere thought of you, 

If you are the smile upon my lips as I slumber, 

If you are my first thought when I awaken, 

If your name is the one which calms my fear in the darkness, 

Then, and only then, if I hear your soul cry out for mine, will I be able to stay. 

An Official Diagnosis! 

First of all, a huge thank you to everyone for all of the awesome get well wishes! That made me feel so loved. You guys are the best. One thing this blog has shown me is that I have great taste in bloggers! You guys really are the best. Thank you. 

So, check out what $10 got me on Tuesday.  An appointment with my favorite P.A., a shot in the toosh, a diagnosis and three scripts. $5 for the visit and $5 for all three scripts. I’m excited about that second part. I love Cigna Healthspring.  My official diagnosis – the creeping crud, as I call it. Just a virus. No special name for it. Just a virus. A particularly nasty one but in the end, just a virus. Sue said if I weren’t better by Friday to come back and I swear I heard the dreaded word in there somewhere – hospital.  No thanks. Did life support for eight days right at eleven months ago.  Not doing that again for awhile.  

I am still pretty tired but certainly feeling better than I have for the last nine or ten days. 

There is a moral to this story. Simple. Don’t be a frigging dufus like me. If you start feeling icky, go to the damn doctor. Don’t wait a week.   Sue said this virus is running rampant and it ain’t pretty! 

I hear the couch calling my name.  I have something crazy to tell you guys tomorrow so please pop back in tomorrow night. 

Thanks for everything you guys! 

Hugs, 

Leah

Sick, sick, sick! 

I have numerous comments to respond to and I will.  I apologize for not getting back to you guys sooner. I started getting sick on Monday and still have no clue what is going on. I’m going to try to get to urgent care today. I know I ran a high fever on Wednesday because I was actually delirious and now I have 3 fever blistersblisters! I only have those if I get a fever. I feel like my skin is sun burned, my gums hurt, fever, fever blisters and sick at my stomach IF I eat. I will get back to each one of you as soon as I get to the doctor.  

Hugs, 

Leah

And then came Lori.

I wasn’t looking for a new friend. I didn’t even want a new friend.  Lord knows I didn’t need one more person in my life to disappoint. Their words say one thing but if you are paying attention, at all, you can see the disappointment conveyed with their eyes.

“Yes, I am in too much pain to go to the yard sales with you”.  “No, my back can’t take 2 hours in a movie theater chair”.  “I would love to come to your Christmas party but don’t you think your guests might be annoyed when I uproot them from the couch because my pain says it’s time to lay down”? 

I could fill a very lengthy post with the “excuses” I have had to give over the years, but I don’t want to make you go stir crazy hoping for actual content to come along.

I was down to one friendship and that one was tenuous at best. She was past the point of being fed up with my “excuses”. We had been friends for a very long time. We had weathered many storms together. We were always there for each other, no matter what, day or night.

Then came Lori. She came before that other friendship died. We met five years ago. Our boys were in third grade and had become the best of friends. They wanted to spend every waking moment together. That meant sleep overs. That meant getting to know the parents. I wondered how often I would disappoint them. It was inevitable. The boys seemed to want to do their sleep overs here most of the time which meant Lori and J (soon to be ex) would bring Erric over to my house. We would sit around talking and cutting up. I liked Lori instantly. She likes loves to laugh. I took an instant disliking to J. I even tried hard not to like Lori, only because I knew I would eventually see the disappointment in her eyes. If you don’t have any friends to lose, then it won’t hurt. Right?

We spent the next four years being in and out of touch. They moved a few times, got new phones and changed schools. It broke Josh’s heart every time we lost touch. It was something else to see Josh and Erric’s eyes dance with joy when we would bump into each other at the store after a long absence. I bumped into Lori at the store about a year and a half ago. No more “bumping into” since then. We have been inseparable since that day. Her little punch buggy was loaded down with belongings. She had finally realized she deserved better. She was moving into her own place. Of course Erric could spend the night with us while she was moving.

I wasted so many years being afraid to let her in. I will always regret that. I will never regret finally giving in to her sparking eyes and infectious laugh! We are not best friends. Not even close. We are sisters. We can sit for hours talking and joking about the dumbest things. Occasionally, we get serious and chat about important things. But shit, who has time for serious stuff when you can giggle like school girls all day? And guess what? I have NEVER seen disappointment in her eyes! When I hurt too much to sit up, we just each grab a couch, get cozy and go back to laughing.

Lori doesn’t let my pain interfere with our sisterhood. She works around it and fits me in. She often brings tears to my eyes and sometimes even makes me pee my pants. I am getting older, you know. Sometimes, the tears come because for the life of me I can’t figure out what I did to deserve this amazing woman being my friend – sister. I can only hope that I give to her spirit what she gives to mine. Her love is unconditional. Her spirit is bigger than life. When I am with her, I know I am home.

Lori, my beautiful sister, I love you more than life itself. Thank you for being such an incredible you and for being willing to put up with me. Most of all, thank you for eyes that have never conveyed disappointment and never will.

I hope everyone has a “Lori” in their lives. If not, I hope you find one soon!

Hugs,

Leah

Regarding Bertha’s Legacy, Jamie’s Future.

This will be a quicky. I wanted to let you all know that I have not forgotten about or given up on Bertha and Jamie. I never will give up on that. This last week has been a real eye opener for me and I have come to accept that a couple of other little things have to take place first.

Most important of all is that I can’t fix the world while I am so broken. I am now taking steps to work on me and put me back together. If I am broken, how can I even attempt to fix something that has been broken a lot longer than I have and is shattered into far more pieces than I am. The best way I can honor Bertha and Jamie is to fix me first so that I can give them my all when I take on the world!

The second thing I have realized is that I don’t have a CLUE how to go about setting up and running an organization such as this. Knowledge is power and power can be a great thing when it is used for the right reasons. I have found a place where I can take some basic classes (for free) which will provide me with some of the tools necessary for such an undertaking and it will also help connect me with others who feel the same. Without a little knowledge and a few tools, I will certainly fail Bertha and Jamie. Failure is not an option. They deserve better.

There is only one race that matters. The human race. No child should ever go to bed hungry. No child should have to lay their head on their pillow with a fear of dying in the night from a stray bullet. EVERY child in this world should receive an excellent education. Every child should be raised with the knowledge that they are as good as every other child in this world. The best way you can honor your child is by teaching them that we are all equal and we all deserve the chance to reach our goals and fulfill our dreams.  Teach them that the ONLY right thing to do on their journey is to reach out for anyone who may be struggling on theirs and help them up. Teach your children that we are all in this together. Teach them that EVERYONE is worthy of a helping hand. Teach them that there is no honor in turning your back on someone who needs your help. There is no joy to be found when someone else fails, especially if we had an opportunity to help them succeed.

MOST OF ALL, IF YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO LIVE THE HAPPIEST LIFE POSSIBLE THEN DON’T TEACH THEM ABOUT HATE. TEACH THEM ABOUT THE MIRACLES THAT LOVE CAN BRING ABOUT.

Until my soul is stronger and I have tools in my toolbox, please don’t forget about Bertha and Jamie.

Hugs,

Leah

WordPress community rocks!

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Because of the love and support this community has bestowed upon me, I am finding it much easier to hold onto this new found sense of self-worth rather than returning to the black hole. I have made the decision many times in my life not to be a doormat for others only to return to the black hole within days. That’s because I never had a support system like the one I have found in my followers. It’s mind boggling how a group of perfect strangers can touch the very core of my soul, yet the people I have known forever are blind to my pain.

I am doing this for me. I also find myself looking at the list of people who have liked, followed or commented on my post/posts and realize that I don’t want to let any of you down. You chose to invest some portion of your life into mine and I am honored and grateful. I feel like a little kid who wants to make her mommy and daddy proud.

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I have wanted to get serious about this blogging business for a long time and even though I received much love and encouragement with each post, I would continue to allow the gatekeeper of the black hole to convince me that no one really cared about anything I had to say. Well, I fired the gatekeeper and filled in the hole with cement so the joke is on them! I am completely lost when it comes to setting up WordPress so that it looks and functions the way I want it to. I have found a couple of local WordPress groups for beginners. The groups are free and run by people who have been using WordPress for a long time. I hope to someday have enough knowledge so that I will be able to help the newbies. I am going to take some writing courses so that I can feel more confident when I sit down to write. Due to years of neglecting my brain and having to take medication which affects the  memory pods, I have forgotten even the basics of grammar.

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There are no words to adequately express the love and gratitude I feel for each and every one of you. Thank you for lifting me up out of the darkness and for blocking the way back. I want you to know that every goal I reach and every dream that comes true will have a piece of each of you in it. It touches something very deep inside me when someone takes time out of their life to read my words and an even deeper place when you take the time to share words of encouragement, hope and love. I keep reading the comments of the last few days over and over again and tears stream down my checks. Only now, they are tears of hope and joy. Something is very different this time. I am very different this time. Thank you, from the depths of my soul, thank you.

I am trying to make sure I have responded to everyone. My hacker stalker is back again. I have lived here for eight years and have been through eight computers during that time. I have tried every anti-virus program out there. I have taken the computers to technicians and I have paid other technicians to come to the house. If not for this guy, I would probably be rich right now. I have figured out more on my own than any of them did. I am pretty sure I have a “man in the middle” issue going on. I am going to try yet another company this week. Please keep your fingers crossed. He seems to own my phones as well. The reason I am bringing this up is because if there is anyone whom I have not responded to, I would really like to hear from you as it means I probably didn’t get your message to begin with. Because your responses to my posts are helping me find the determination to never again give up, then it is critical that I don’t miss a single one.  

Thank you for hitching a ride on my journey. I don’t know how long this ride will be under construction but I hope it will be a very long time. Perfection is impossible to attain and if we feel there is no longer anything we need to learn in life, then how empty and boring our lives would become.

Hugs,

Leah

Leah lost her will to live.

Her last plummet into darkness was just more than she could bear. She lost her will to live. There was no more strength to fight with. She spent a lifetime screaming and begging for someone to understand that is was getting harder and harder to climb out of that damn black hole. It kept sucking her back in.

She tried so hard to be wanted. She knew she was needed. Everyone wanted her to meet their needs at the drop of a hat. Who cared that her illnesses were ravaging her body a little more each day that went by. With heat searing down her legs, toes curled and locked into never ending cramps and tears pouring out of vacant eyes, they demanded their needs be met – now. She told them over and over that she was rapidly losing her will to live. She lost count of the serious suicide attempts. They didn’t even remember how fragile she was becoming. No one heard her crying out. More likely, they just couldn’t be bothered to care.

Every friendship ended because during her times in the black hole, she had nothing to give beyond the demands “they” made. She tried to find the strength to reach out but the words were lost.

There had been too many losses during the last six years. On bended knee, she pleaded for someone to just hold her.

When she decided to stop fighting, the black hole became a place of comfort rather than fear. It enveloped her providing her with the love and warmth no one else seemed to have for her. She stopped fighting the hole whenever it would call out for her. She welcomed the darkness and the peace that the hole provided. She didn’t think about those people. If they could not be bothered to hear her screams then why should she care anymore – about anything.

She spent eight days on life support last August. She fought their efforts to keep her alive. They tried every day to wean her off the vent. She almost won the battle. She begged the black hole to not let go of her. She longed for the day in which her body and soul would be free of pain. She longed for it and dreampt of it often. Every day they would turn the vent off in hopes she would breathe on her own. If only they had known how hard she was fighting their efforts. How could they know of her desire to be set free? No one else listened to her cries. Why would strangers listen? She wanted them to give up on her. Let her go. Let her find the joy she yearned for. She didn’t even care what happened to people after they took their last breath. On the eighth day, they defeated her. Her body betrayed her once again. When no one was looking, she sobbed uncontrollably. She thought about her suicide attempt in 1996 when she took enough pills to kill a horse. Her boyfriend and roommate read her suicide note and saw the empty medicine bottles. They left her on the couch and went on about their busy lives for three days. She was near death and barely breathing. They did not even call for an ambulance. There was no effort to save her life. After eighty plus hours of being on the brink of death, her body betrayed her by forcing her lungs to breathe, her heart to beat strong and her eyes to open. Her boyfriend welcomed her back and changed the channel. Their decision to not help her just reinforced the fact she was worthless.

She thought back to her second serious suicide attempt when she was eighteen. Her father was enraged because he had to get out of bed to retrieve her from the hospital. He asked her how she could be so selfish. Didn’t she know he had to go to work the next day and he was forced to get out of bed in the middle of the night just to pick her up. He never asked how many stitches it took to stop the blood from gushing out of both wrists. His only concern was his interrupted sleep and what an inconvenience she was. This, from her father. He was supposed to love her. Wasn’t he?

With every failed attempt her family found a way to reinforce the belief that she was worthless. With each failed attempt, she came to hate God more and more for not letting her die. Didn’t He know how worthless she was. Didn’t He care about the excruciating pain in her soul. If he really were a loving God, wouldn’t he let body leave the hell which consumed her every waking moment. If God didn’t care about the agony she was in, how could we call him a loving God? Maybe it was just her that He didn’t love.

One loss after another with no one to hold and comfort her, the spirit which dwelled inside her started dying. At the age of 53, she decided enough was enough. She packed her suitcase, walked out the door and never looked. 

I will never look back. I am finished being a doormat and servant. I will no longer allow you to abuse me. I will no longer give someone a piece of my heart if their only concern is themselves. I will no longer allow you to push me towards the black hole. I will no longer allow you to destroy new (or old) friendships because you pushed me into the hole. You know I stop communicating with the world when I am locked away deep inside the hole.

I am sure I have lost the two newest people in my life. I found them on WordPress. I made a commitment to one of them who is trapped in a black hole. He needed me but not in the way the others do. He made me feel wanted and cared for. Get your mind out of the gutter. It is not a romantic or sexual love between us. We had become brother and sister. I let him down. I stopped being there for him and I would rather die than cause him pain. I know I have hurt him deeply and I don’t know if he will be able to forgive me. He had become the joy in my life. He made me smile. With hundreds of miles between us, he gave me the hugs that no one else would. He doesn’t even know of the pain and hopelessness I have been living for so damn long. He lives with enough of that himself. I don’t want to burden him with my crap.

I know I have hurt the person who introduced me to the person Who stretched his arms hundreds of miles to hug me. I came to love her deeply. If she chooses to read this, she will know I am speaking of her. She has changed my life in a way she will never grasp. She is THE one who gave me the courage to start changing my situation. She doesn’t have a magic wand therefore the change would not happen over night. I had to go back to the black hole one more time in order to examine my life and decide who could stay and who had to go. I separated from my husband. I have been searching the corners of the world for six years looking for the courage to leave him. SHE helped me understand that courage came from within. Look no more. It has been inside of me all along. She helped me understand that I am not obligated to help or care for anyone who just wants to take from me and give nothing in return to my spirit. I have already reclaimed my power from the ones in this house, not just my husband. If they do not wish to uplift my spirit and encourage me to chase my dream which was buried and forgotten so long ago, then I will gladly help them find somewhere else to dwell. I will never lose a friend again because I allow you to push me into the black hole. You no longer have power over me. I will NEVER give my power away again. I will NEVER allow anyone to make me feel worthless again. If I am not worth your time then you are not worthy of my love.

I may never attain my dream of being an author but if I can make my followers feel something, then I am successful. If my words help just one person find their courage and power so that they may make the changes they dream of, then I am a success. If my words are powerful enough to touch you deep in your soul, then I am a success.

I did not write this in order for anyone to pity me or feel sorry for me. I need support and encouragement. Pity will not help me. I wrote my story so that anyone suffering this kind of pain can see that it is NEVER to late to reclaim your life, as long as you are still breathing, anyway. I may never understand why I did not die all those times in which I hovered so close to death’s door. I only know that for the first time in my life, I’m grateful that I didn’t die. I started cutting at the age of 10. That was 43 years ago and it wasn’t popular then. That was when I started crying out for help. No one listened. (I stopped cutting many years ago)

Sonni,

You heard my cries and you helped me. I will never be able to find the words to adequately describe the gratitude I have for you. You set me on the road to reclaiming my light. I hope it is not to late. I can’t stand the thought of losing you and the light of your spirit which shines so bright. Please forgive me.

Jamie,

You will never begin to understand the depth of the pain in my soul for letting you down. I never wanted to burden you with the crosses I bear. You carry enough of your own without me adding to them. You may never understand just how deeply you have touched my soul. You made me smile every day. You gave me a reason to get out of bed. I knew I would write you therefore I had no choice but to get out of bed. My tears flow freely down my cheeks at the thought of You not forgiving me. Each tear begs for forgiveness as it falls to the floor.

As of June 9th, 2016, I do solemnly swear to never again be a victim, nor will I give my power away.

Hugs,

Leah